Why am I doing this?

It feels silly to share how I feel on my day to day. Like honestly, who cares? Who even has the time to read two to three paragraphs of my life? And to be so vulnerable with everyone can feel very uncomfortable. People feel comfortable just showing and talking about the best parts of their life but when it comes to the real challenges life forces us into; well there is silence.

Today, I spent my day working hard trying to get my work done while feeling totally drained and confused. The confusion makes me wonder,…When will I ever get it? Will I ever get it? Do I even want to get it? Do I want to continously feel lost? If so, how long can I take it? They say it takes the first three years at least to understand. I have given almost ten years of my life to study the theory of it all. Who knew studying it vs doing it are completely two different things?

I do love engineering but school is definitely different than work and I wish univerisity would have better prepared me for that. Now I cannot say I am the best engineer because I am not. I do my best, and that is all I can do. There is so much to learn and I thought I would enjoy it, but I am in panic mode more often than excited to be given difficult tasks. I don’t think panic is what I should be feeling. I definitely need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to remember that no matter what, everything will be okay. I need to that I am doing this for me. I am doing this to show myself it can be done. I am going to get it done.