Riding the wave

What can I say? It’s been a tough couple of weeks. So much has changed. I always do my best to be positive. However, being positive isn’t always what I need.

Sometimes I need to feel whatever it is I am feeling. I know that sounds obvious. I forget that - or maybe it’s because I am scared. I’m afraid of falling apart. I’ve spent my life putting myself together. And honestly, I just don’t have the energy nor time to be falling apart right now.

Sometimes it’s just easier to force a smile and say something positive. Sometimes I wonder how I have even gotten this far in life and survived. Yet, I am only 28 years old.

My grandma just turned 91 years old yesterday and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her. She grew up in a time where there was no Internet, horses were transportation, and women rights wasn’t yet a thing. For her, her job was to have kids and take care of them. And that’s what she did. She had 17 kids with my grandfather, one being my dad. My grandma had to be strong because she had no other options.

We all go through our own trials and tribulations. I have to remember everything is temporary even pain. Through pain comes happiness. Sometimes it just is what it is. Yeah, I have plenty that I’m grateful for. Yet, none of these blessing are helping me feel better. I feel as if I’m mourning someone’s death. Nothing is helping. Time will only tell. This isn’t the first time and it mostly likely won’t be the last time I’ll feel this way. I’ve been through worse. Just got to ride the wave.